Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

When I was in 6th grade, an older brother of a girl I went to school with committed suicide. Keep in mind I went to a very small Catholic school and we were a very tight knit bunch. I remember my Mom sitting me down and telling me about it, and then we left to go see the family. I remember it being something we didn't discuss after that. My parents attended the funeral, leaving the children home. I'm still friends with that girl today, and the impact that her brothers' death has had on her family is still huge. He left behind a fiance, an infant son, and parents and a sister who loved him. Not to mention countless Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and Grandparents. I don't think that you can ever really get over something like that. It's something that changes the dynamic of your family, and not in the same way that someone just passing away from old age does. The countless questions you're left with that will never have answers, the magnitude of the feeling of loss you go through - it's just not something you can ever put into words.

After witnessing all that, suicide is simply not an option for me. Ever. There was only 1 time in my life that things were so dark for me that I even allowed the thought to cross my mind. I went into therapy to try to fix the parts of me that were broken and would allow me to even let that thought be on the horizon. I simply cannot imagine putting my family through that. I have a family who loves me and supports me no matter how ridiculously I fuck things up. And believe me, I do rather often.

What people in that situation, in that dark place, never realize is that there is help out there. There's an anonymous suicide hot line, there's countless friends and family. There is always someone. I suppose when you see no end in sight, you can't even think to reach out.

I never ever want to feel that way again. I have too much to live for now, anyway. I have a gorgeous daughter, a boy who loves me more than anything no matter what I do wrong, and a family to help me deal with whatever may come my way. I want more kids, I want to grow old and see my grandkids. I guess what it also comes down to is I'm too afraid. I'm too afraid of what's waiting on the other side, of what I would miss out on by not being here. Suicide is a very selfish, last ditch act, and I really think that people don't realize how final it is not only for them, but for every one around them.