Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

WARNING: To those of you aside from the one loyal reader who stop here, you may not want to read this post. The entire point of this 30 days of blogging is to be brutally honest, and today's confession is just that. It's a secret I carry, that I need to forgive myself for, and it's also a very controversial topic that offends many and fuels fires around this nation daily. If you continue reading, and are offended, don't say I didn't warn you.

Something I have to forgive myself for. I am more than adult enough to admit that in my short 30 years here, I've made many mistakes. I've made many poor decisions. I've even done things that make me cringe, cry, or want to drown my sorrows in a bottle of vodka. However. Out of all of these things, there is one that I've carried with a very heavy heart for many years now.

When I was 16 years old I met a boy. We were as in love any 2 teenage kids can be. We spent every waking moment together that we possibly could. He was many firsts for me. My first real boyfriend. The first boy I ever had sex with. The first boy who ever broke my heart. We were together for just about 2 years. Just a month after my 18th birthday I discovered I was pregnant. Unless you have been there, you cannot possibly imagine the fear, horror and heartache this caused. I was determined to keep that baby, and the father was determined to run as fast and as far away from me as he could. In retrospect, who could blame him? If the tables were turned, I very well may have had the same reaction. I spent weeks agonizing over what to do. I didn't tell my mother until I was 8 weeks pregnant, and that's only because I could no longer hide how sick I was. She supported whatever decision I made. Meanwhile, the father dumped me. Ran for the hills. I was devestated. He 'loved' me. He wanted to be with me, but as soon as shit got hard, he was gone.

He slowly broke me down. He would call and tell me that if I would just have an abortion, he would come back. We could resume life as usual and pretend nothing ever happened. It took him almost a month to get me to cave. Yes, I caved. Yes I made a decision I cannot ever take back. A decision that I have agonized over for 12 ears now. I cannot tell you have incredibly hard it was to follow through. How I've spent years crying over it. How badly I wish I could take it all back. I cannot tell you how incredibly hard it was to sit there that morning, in that clinic. To have to go through a routing ultrasound. To have to sign consent forms. To have to walk down the stairs to that horrible place and strip down to nothing more than a paper robe and be knocked out. To wake up empty.

He dropped me off at home after the procedure was done. He left me on my front porch and drove away. I didn't hear from him after that. He ran off and moved on and I was left destroyed. I didn't get out of bed for a month, literally. I didnt' move. I barely ate. I didn't shower. Someone had to physically lift me out of my bed and toss me into my shower and turn on the water to get me to get up finally.

Therapy fixed parts of me. Time healed some of the hurt. I've carried this around with me for 12 years. Telling near no one about it. Only a few close friends know, and the family who was there to pick up the pieces of me. I would love to forgive myself for it, I truly would.

I now have an almost 3 year old. The absolute love and light of my life. Thinking back to my first pregnancy and the end results and looking at my daughter KILL me inside. I should have 2 children. I should have stuck by my decisions and not allowed someone to wear me down. I should have done alot of things but I can't take them back now. I should forgive myself, I just don't know how.