Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

When someone is about to graduate college, or in my case Cosmetology school, you hope you find your dream job right out of school and start making bank. When I was weeks away from graduation, I went on an interview at a salon in Upper Montclair. Rich town + huge salon = money. Pretty simple equation.

I started in May of 2007. I loved it. I loved the people I worked with, I had a good time while working my ass off, and best of all I was making damn good money. I had an awesome manager, my boss seemed like a saint but had her quirks. And the other owner intimidated the crap outta me, but he wasn't so bad at all. I was learning things every day from some really talented colorists. Learning how to do haircuts that I didn't have a clue how to do before starting there.

It didn't take long before I settled into a routine. I worked 5 days a week, and was off on Sundays and Mondays. The male owner had 3 chairs in the salon, and all 3 were always full. He was BUSY. His assistant was a bitch, but did her job and did it well. Before not too long, she got fired, for a variety of reasons. I got a phone call from the female co owner of the salon, asking me if I wanted to be bumped up to his assistant. She made it sound like a priveledge, and told me I had to be on top of my game to keep up with him. I was getting a raise, the tips were tremendous and the clientele loved me.

He had a very mixed bag of clients. A lot of females, a lot of men. Within a few weeks time, I had been hit on by several of his male clients. A few much more bold then others, but my boss laughed it off so I did too. The sexual innuendo's and commentary were much more than I could tolerate some days. It didn't take long before I blew up on him upstairs in his office. I couldn't believe how rude and demeaning they were. He laughed it off, yet again. That should have been enough for me to pack my shit and walk out the door. But it wasn't. I stayed there for almost 4 years, tolerating far more than I should have. They had me working 6 days a week, being demeaned in every way possible, being blamed for everything including traffic, cloudy days and piss poor moods all around. They ahd me working 6 days a week at this point, and even the money wasn't worth it. I had no social life anymore. My life was my job, and much as I loved what I did, it wasn't worth losing myself over.

He finally pushed too far one morning. He was in a piss poor mood and taking it out on me from the moment he walked in the door. I snapped at him after his client left, and I went to walk away from him. He grabbed my arm and yanked me back towards him and that was it. I LOST it. I flipped my shit and told him to fuck off and shove his job in his ass. I threw my apron at him, threw his cell phone at him - because of course I was his personal secretary as well - and walked out. I yelled to the girl behind the desk that I quit and she could relay that message to the crazy bitch other owner. I sent them a certified letter demanding my final paycheck in a timely fashion, because they were known for tormenting employees after they left.

Never in my life have I been treated so awful by someone other than my father. He was a terrible boss, a terrible person. He was demeaning, and allowed his clients to hit on me, and at one point, one even offered me cash for sexual favors. I loathe that place and the owners. I still hope it burns to the ground, leaving them with nothing. Let that be a lesson to you that no amount of money is worth losing a huge piece of yourself.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Enough said.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Being a parent, I think this answer is painfully obvious. I hope and pray that I never have to bury a child. The thought of anything happening to her is enough to knock the wind out of me, never mind daring to think about losing her.

When I was pregnant, we came too close several times. I was told when I was 22 weeks pregnant that things 'didn't look good' and that the possibility of me losing her was high. You can go back several entries to Lexi's birth story to find out why. I wouldn't allow my brain to wander to that dark place, to imagine being no longer pregnant and without a baby. I had felt pregnancy loss before, and I was not allowing myself to have to go through that again. I was determined to stay pregnant and keep my little girl. And keep her I did. She's a healthy thriving almost 3 year old.

I simply cannot imagine my world without her. The girl I was before I was Alexa's Mommy doesn't exist anymore. I am simply Alexa's mother now. It's my job, what I want to be, and who I am. If anything, God forbid, ever happened to her, I'd die with her. Maybe not physically, but I'd be as good as nothing.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Every little girl dreams of huge things she can do in her life. It's safe to say mine has gone horrendously off track and that I accomplished none of what I had set out to do when I was a young teenager. I wanted to graduate high school, attend a small Catholic college, and major in Sociology or Psychology and eventually work my way up to either a social worker or a psychologist. Instead I ended up dropping out of high school, getting knocked up young, and never seeing the inside or outside of a college campus. So much for big dreams.

One of the things I would hope I end up doing in my life is attending college. This Cosmetology gig is fun and all, but it's not what I truly want. Do I think I could still end up as a social worker or a psychologist? Sure. Is it likely? Probably not. I guess we'll see. Going to school and graduating from college all while raising a family and attempting to maintain some semblance of normalcy in my life isn't going to be easy. Nothing comes easy, though, so this is no different.

I have plenty of hopes, some a lot smaller than this. Some even bigger. We'll see where it all ends up.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Forgiveness is more than sayin' sorry. Have you ever seen Just Friends with Ryan Reynolds and Anna Faris? If not then go watch it. The first line of this post will make you laugh out loud.

After my last post, people would say I have to forgive the other person involved. Oddly, I have. No really, I have. We even speak now and are friends. It's funny how that works out.

I have never been good at holding grudges or hating people forever. I often forgive people before they even realize that I'm no longer even angry. I honestly can't think of one single thing I have to forgive anyone for. I'm not mad at anyone currently. I'm not holding onto any anger. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father who often beat the shit out of me, and I've forgiven him. I've forgiven my ex for the hell he put me through. I've forgiven Scott for the things he's done wrong that have hurt me. The thing with me is, if I haven't forgiven someone, I've straight up cut them out of my life and won't look back. Sometimes it's better to sever ties and move on instead of holding onto feelings that won't do you an ounce of good. Let this be a lesson to you - holding onto anger hurts no one but YOU. It only makes you bitter and angry and distant from those around you. It won't fix the wrong that was done to you. It won't help you move on. Forgive and forget. You'll be doing yourself a huge favor in the long run.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

WARNING: To those of you aside from the one loyal reader who stop here, you may not want to read this post. The entire point of this 30 days of blogging is to be brutally honest, and today's confession is just that. It's a secret I carry, that I need to forgive myself for, and it's also a very controversial topic that offends many and fuels fires around this nation daily. If you continue reading, and are offended, don't say I didn't warn you.

Something I have to forgive myself for. I am more than adult enough to admit that in my short 30 years here, I've made many mistakes. I've made many poor decisions. I've even done things that make me cringe, cry, or want to drown my sorrows in a bottle of vodka. However. Out of all of these things, there is one that I've carried with a very heavy heart for many years now.

When I was 16 years old I met a boy. We were as in love any 2 teenage kids can be. We spent every waking moment together that we possibly could. He was many firsts for me. My first real boyfriend. The first boy I ever had sex with. The first boy who ever broke my heart. We were together for just about 2 years. Just a month after my 18th birthday I discovered I was pregnant. Unless you have been there, you cannot possibly imagine the fear, horror and heartache this caused. I was determined to keep that baby, and the father was determined to run as fast and as far away from me as he could. In retrospect, who could blame him? If the tables were turned, I very well may have had the same reaction. I spent weeks agonizing over what to do. I didn't tell my mother until I was 8 weeks pregnant, and that's only because I could no longer hide how sick I was. She supported whatever decision I made. Meanwhile, the father dumped me. Ran for the hills. I was devestated. He 'loved' me. He wanted to be with me, but as soon as shit got hard, he was gone.

He slowly broke me down. He would call and tell me that if I would just have an abortion, he would come back. We could resume life as usual and pretend nothing ever happened. It took him almost a month to get me to cave. Yes, I caved. Yes I made a decision I cannot ever take back. A decision that I have agonized over for 12 ears now. I cannot tell you have incredibly hard it was to follow through. How I've spent years crying over it. How badly I wish I could take it all back. I cannot tell you how incredibly hard it was to sit there that morning, in that clinic. To have to go through a routing ultrasound. To have to sign consent forms. To have to walk down the stairs to that horrible place and strip down to nothing more than a paper robe and be knocked out. To wake up empty.

He dropped me off at home after the procedure was done. He left me on my front porch and drove away. I didn't hear from him after that. He ran off and moved on and I was left destroyed. I didn't get out of bed for a month, literally. I didnt' move. I barely ate. I didn't shower. Someone had to physically lift me out of my bed and toss me into my shower and turn on the water to get me to get up finally.

Therapy fixed parts of me. Time healed some of the hurt. I've carried this around with me for 12 years. Telling near no one about it. Only a few close friends know, and the family who was there to pick up the pieces of me. I would love to forgive myself for it, I truly would.

I now have an almost 3 year old. The absolute love and light of my life. Thinking back to my first pregnancy and the end results and looking at my daughter KILL me inside. I should have 2 children. I should have stuck by my decisions and not allowed someone to wear me down. I should have done alot of things but I can't take them back now. I should forgive myself, I just don't know how.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

So - something I love about myself. This is harder to answer than what I dislike.

I could go the superficial road and say, 'I love how green my eyes are.' Or I could tell you how I love my organization skills. Or my sarcasm. Sarcasm is the language I swear I'm fluent in. Hell, I love all of that. I love how what you see is what you get with me. There's no sugar coating in my world. I call the shots like I see them and I don't much give a shit who likes it or not. I love how people adore me regardless of how bitchy I can be. I love how many people trust me with their deepest darkest secrets. They know full well my advice is given without expecting anything in return. I love how no matter what I do wrong or right, I always have 2 people waiting for me at home who love me unconditionally.

I love myself for who I am - and you know what, not many people can say that and truly mean it. I'm one of the lucky ones.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Negativity. I loathe how negative I am by nature. I see people who are happy, just because they ARE, and it not only pisses me off, but makes me wonder why the hell I can't be more like that. I instantly see the negative in things - the, 'What if's', the, 'Why can't I's...'. It drives me insane. I've sworn to change the way I think and how I react a thousand times over and it never seems to stick. I'm a product of my upbringing and the negativity that swirled in my house and I'm tired of it. They swear you can change the way you think and how you see things - maybe it's time I really tried. Besides, how can anyone be negative all the time when they're surrounded by this?

30 Days of Blogging.

I saw this posted on another blog I regularly read and decided I want to do it. It's essentially 30 days of blogging with a lot of bold truth in it. Challenge starts tomorrow!!



Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself